I Became Me.

I’m reminded of my Junior High Advanced Reading class in 7th grade.  Mr. Holthaus was my teacher.  I’ve always loved reading, and I remember him lecturing on the four different types of conflict in fictional literature–man vs. man, man vs. nature, man vs. society, and man vs. self.

Exactly why I remember things like this, I don’t know, but I think about things like this from time to time.  It’s an important part of self-discovery, awareness, and understanding.  It’s hard for me to settle.  In the last six years, I haven’t let it happen.  I don’t compromise my integrity.  Many see me as ambitious, aggressive, innovative, and risky, but that hasn’t always been the case.

Six and a half  years ago I was at an em pass.  Six and a half years ago most people wouldn’t have recognized me.  I worked for a large retail chain as an HR Manager responsible for multiple stores in different cities and I did a lot of travel.  At least once a week I drove a five hour round trip from Lake of the Ozarks, Missouri, to Kansas City.  I was damn good at my job.  It was a challenge and an escape from something else.  My personal life was a mess, and I was in denial.

Back then I was married.  Married to someone and a life who wasn’t meant for me. Married to someone who was abusive and alcoholic.

Those long drives that summer helped shape who I am today.  I was forced to face myself, reflect, and consider who I was and where I was going.  An classic internal conflict–man vs. self.  And after almost six months of self-reflection and inner struggle, my-self won.

I became me.

It happened one night that I can only explain as an out of body experience.  I watched as someone else (me) screamed six words at the top of my lungs in my living room to that other person, “I want you to move out!”  Literally, I watched from outside myself and as I heard those words spoken I said out loud, “Yes, yes, I do.”

Until then I wasn’t assertive or in control.  I was manipulated and sub-servant.

I wasn’t me.

My life changed forever.  I never looked back.  I felt free, open, and filled with possibility.  I could be, do, and think anything.  The sky was the limit.

Six years later I’m still me, and I’m not ashamed to say.  My life has grown and evolved.  I’ve became someone who follows their instincts and is open.  Open to love, possibilities, and opportunity.  I’ve re-married, and we’ve started a family.

I became me, but we became us.

I write these things not to be judged but for others to learn and understand.  Life is never simple, and the choices we make although hard are our own.  We have a choice and although difficult we can choose to be “me.”

Photo Credit Ali Cronin.

Save